Sticks And Stones
They say sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me, but is that true? In life many people face microaggressions, racism, sexism and other difficult situations that can be very hard to handle both mentally and physically. Sticks and Stones is a poem book about my experience as a Chinese Amarican Woman. Every poem has a story to it and every interaction has affected me for better or worse. I want to share my experiences so others can interact with that memory and hopefully reflect on their own interactions, themselves and society.
Stalker
I left the building the night was cold
I walk past him he stares
I see his long greasy hair and unkempt beard
I see his oversized t-shirt and baggy jeans
I see his tan sun wrinkled skin
I see him sitting there
I see his head turn as I walk by
One minute
Two minutes
I see him start following me
I see him
He is tall
He is probably stronger than me
He is an average build
He is probably middle aged
One step
Two steps
I can hear him close behind
One step
Two step
He's getting faster
He's getting closer
One step
Two steps
I should quicken my pace
One step
Two steps
I should run
Run
Faster
Faster
Run
Faster
Am I safe
Did I lose him
I don't know
I'm Not Afraid of Sex, I'm Afraid of Rape
I was terrified when they told me that
I was surprised to see their face painted with such intense concern
and to hear the fear behind their voice
I was afraid when they told me I thought he was going to rape you
I was not afraid of sex
I was afraid of the idea that someone could force me to do something
I was afraid of the idea of being so powerless
I was afraid that I knew that I was not strong enough to protect myself if something happened
I was afraid knowing that if something did happen all I could do was pray that someone would save me
I was afraid of the idea that if push came to shove I could not save myself
I was terrified
I know I am weak and that is scary
I was afraid knowing that I was the only one who had no clue that this might happen
I was the only one who didn't see the kind of person everyone else saw
I was the only one so naive
I was afraid of the fact that they thought this might happen to me
I was scared that they only told me this after everything
and that they didn't tell me beforehand
I was terrified
I am afraid of the idea of being raped
I have never been raped and yet I fear it in my daily life
I live with this fear
I am terrified
The Situation
The way they walk into the space
The way they look around
The way they look at art
The way they stop and look at you
The way they stare
The way they look at you with that glossy look in their eyes
The way they allow their eyes to graze up and down your body
The way they lock their eyes onto your chest
The way they smirk like they will own you in just a little while
The way their breath gets heavy
The way they see past you and through you
The way they try to touch you
The way they try to hug you
The way they try to kiss your hand
The way they try to kiss your cheek
The way they try to smell your hair
The way they don't want you to say a thing
The way they want you to just look beautiful
The way they speak at you
The way they try to sound educated even when they know nothing about the subject
The way they spit as they speak
The way they stand inching closer and closer
The way they don't know you and yet they lust for you
The way they talk about you
The way they act like you're just eye candy
The way they circle you like vultures
The way they try to hand you alcohol
The way they say you'll like it because it's fruity
The way their breath reeks
The way they talk about their job
The way they talk about their home
The way they ask if you think they look that old
The way they try to convince you
The way they say you should hang out with them
The way the act like they are so superior to you
Yes that's the way things are sometimes
And yes you feel scared and worthless sometimes
And yes you will be told you're being over dramatic sometimes
And yes that is the way it is sometimes
Even if you were only an eighteen year old girl going to an art gallery
I Am Not Your Madame Butterfly, I Am So Much More Than The Stereotype of an Asian Woman
Hey pretty geisha
Can you say konichiwa
You can call me senpai
I could be your oppa
Hey little oriental
Can you cook Chinese food
Can you cook for me
Hey so are you Japanese
Hey so are you Cambodian
Hey so are you Korean
Hey so are you Chinese
I can do karate
I watch anime
Can you cosplay
You're so kawaii
Is it sideways
Do you want to fuck me
Hey China sticks
I heard Chinese woman have cash registers for souls
I have money
I could pay
After all Asian women have the tightest pussy
You're so submissive
You could take care of me
You want someone dominant that could be me
Hey China doll
You're so pretty
All Asian women look the same
You're all so skinny
You never age
You're so perfect
You're not like white woman
You're so quiet
Don't become corrupted
Stay submissive
I like Asian woman
Asians are the best
You're pussy so tight
Call me senpai
That Should Have Been A Clue Sometimes People Aren't As They Seem
He stopped me in the street
He told me he liked my art
He told me about his interns that go to my school
He told me about the work he did at the Art Institute and MCA
He seemed trustworthy
He invited me to the symphony
He kept on saying how we were young
He kept saying how he's a young guy here
He was in his fifties
He told me about his friend's daughter who was around my age
He told me how we were so different
He told me how I was mature
That should have been a clue
He told me about his son
He told me about his asian ex wife
He told me about his Japanese ex girlfriend
That should have been a clue
He told me about some blonde who wanted to date him
He told me he wasn't into blondes
He told me how he was a bit of a womanizer
That should have been a clue
He took me to dinner
He encouraged me to talk about myself
He tried to buy me alcohol
That should have been a clue
He asked about my family
He grabbed my hand when I said my father passed away
He tried to comfort me
That should have been a clue
He walked me back to the dorm
He kissed me on the cheek
He was in his fifties
I thought I was networking
I thought someone was interested in my art
I thought for once someone wanted me as an artist
I thought for once someone was interested in more than just my body
I was wrong
I'm so stupid
I can't trust
I guess I was naive
I thought it was going to be okay because he had interns my age
I thought it was going to be okay to spend time and talk
I thought it was going to be okay
I thought it was going to be different
I didn't realize
I saw him again when I said I wasn't interested
I thought it was going to be okay
I saw him again in the museum
That wasn't okay
He got upset Because I didn't care about his fence
He got upset Because I didn't look him in the eyes so longingly when I left
He got so upset Because he wanted to feel I cared about him to
He got so petty
He got so possessive
He got so problematic
I found out his type and I was like shit....
Asians
You Told Me I Could Only Be Pretty
I'm too pretty to be smart
I'm too pretty to have dreams
I'm too pretty to want to have an education
I'm too pretty to be an artist
I'm too pretty to have thoughts
I'm too pretty to want anything
Right
Because I'm too pretty to just be an artist
Because I'm too pretty to just be me
I must be something else
Right
I must be a girlfriend
I must be a wife
I must be a stripper
I must be a prostitute
I must be something else
I must be something that pleases you
Right
Because I'm pretty that gives me value
Because I'm pretty that makes me valueless
Because I'm pretty I can't be anything else
Because I'm pretty
Too pretty to just be an artist
I must be something else
I must be something that pleases you
I must be something sexual
I must be something more than just an artist
Because I am a girl
I must be something else
Fat
I was only around a 100 pounds when I was asked if I was pregnant and then told I must have just gained weight when my answer was no
I was not fat
I've never been fat and yet
Here I am grabbing at my non existent love handles
Here I am deciding not to wear that dress because I'm too bloated today
Here I am wishing I weighed a few pounds less
Here I am
Here I am looking at my ugly body in the mirror
Wishing I could change it ever so slightly
Wishing I was thinner
Wishing that my body looked pretty
Here I am wishing
And yet
I am not fat
I am not ugly
My body's perfect
So why do I hate and love this ugly body of mine
Well.....
Because you taught me to
Wallflower
Were they right
Am I a wallflower that only sometimes pops out
Always nothing
Always no one
Always simple
Always plain
Were they right
Will no one sit with me do I have to sit with them
Always boring
Always a prude
Always spineless
Always invisible
Were they right
Am I just a simple girl not the kind of girl that attracts people
Just a simple girl
Not enough
Never enough
Do I blend into the scenery
Because I'm not enough
Never enough
Were they right
Are they right
I don't know
I don't know
Am I no one
No one special
Am I a wallflower
Simple and boring
Were they right
Am I a wallflower
That only sometimes pops out
Virgin
Sexy fetish
I am a fetish
Fuck you're a virgin
That's hot
I wonder how tight you are
I want to find out
I wonder how tight you are
I want to find out
I wonder how good you could stroke me
I wonder how good you could suck me
Fuck you're hot
I want to come all over you
I want to squeeze your boobs
I want to know if your pussys is tight
I want to know how wet you would get
Fuck you're hot
You have a nice body
Just looking at you I know you'd be good
Fuck you're so hot
I wish you would come ride me
I wish you would suck me
I wish you would kiss me
I wish you would scream
I wish you would moan
I wish I was inside you
Fuck I'm so horny
Fuck you're so hot
What have you done
What would you be willing to do
What are your kinks
Fuck I can't believe
You're a virgin
That's so fucking hot
I wonder how tight you are
I bet your cherry would pop
Oh fuck
I want to fuck you so badly
You know I'm on the bigger side
So you wouldn't be disappointed
You know I could make you orgasm so much
So you wouldn't be disappointed
Fuck you're so hot
I want you so fucking bad
Fuck you're a virgin
Fuck that's hot
Virgins are so hot
If I slept with you then I'd be the only cock to have ever been inside you
Fuck that's hot
You're probably so tight
I bet your cherry would pop
Fuck you're a virgin
that's fucking hot
I Am Worthless, Yes I know
I am worthless
Yes I know
I am told how worthless I am
If I don't give you sex than I am worthless
If I am not pretty than I am worthless
If I am not smart than I am worthless
If I do not love you than I am worthless
Yes I know
I know I am worthless
You tell me I am worthless whether you know me or not
But I much rather be worthless than worth something to someone like you
Yes I know
I am worthless
You always thought I was worthless
You just never said anything until now
You just didn't say anything because I didn't turn you down before now
But you always thought it even when you said I was pretty
You always thought I was worthless that I know
Because you tell me I am worthless
I know I am
I am worthless
You tell me one day I'll be ugly too
You tell me that you'll always have a better education and more meaningful accomplishments than me
You tell me I won't have value to anyone
You tell me I am a cunt
Yes I am worthless
Yes I know
I know I am worthless because you tell me I am worthless
Asking For It
Hey China sticks
Hey sexy thing
As you look me up and down
It's not my fault
People say you're asking for it
You're asking for it if you wear a dress that shows your legs and your chest
You're asking for it if you're wearing jeans and a t-shirt
No matter what you wear you're asking for it
I'm being dramatic when I tell you the stories
It's not my fault
I wasn't asking for it
It's not my fault
I didn't want the attention
I didn't want the stranger to grab my hand as I was walking to the train
I didn't want the man to stick his tongue out at me moving it referring to oral
I didn't ask for that
It's not my fault
I wasn't asking for it
I didn't ask to be born this way
I didn't ask to look this way
So why
Why does looking this way mean I'm asking for it
Why does looking this way make some people think it's okay
Why do some people think this is okay
Why
Because your mother didn't ask for it
Your sister didn't ask for it
Your cousin didn't ask for it
Your lover didn't ask for it
It's not their fault
It's not my fault
We didn't ask to be hollered at
We didn't ask to be catcalled
No it's not funny
No it's not a cat calling meow hahaha
No it's not a joke
It's scary when people get aggressive
It's scary when they follow you
It's sad when you have to leave the water park because your friends got so uncomfortable when those fathers were staring at you
When people tell you
you can't walk by yourself
You can't do this
You can't do that
Because it's dangerous
Because simply by walking
Simply by breathing
You're asking for it
Size: W 6in by H 10in