Sticks And Stones

They say sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me, but is that true? In life many people face microaggressions, racism, sexism and other difficult situations that can be very hard to handle both mentally and physically. Sticks and Stones is a poem book about my experience as a Chinese Amarican Woman. Every poem has a story to it and every interaction has affected me for better or worse. I want to share my experiences so others can interact with that memory and hopefully reflect on their own interactions, themselves and society.

Stalker

I left the building the night was cold

I walk past him he stares

I see his long greasy hair and unkempt beard

I see his oversized t-shirt and baggy jeans

I see his tan sun wrinkled skin

I see him sitting there

I see his head turn as I walk by

One minute

Two minutes

I see him start following me

I see him

He is tall

He is probably stronger  than me

He is an average build

He is probably middle aged

One step

Two steps 

I can hear him close behind

One step

Two step 

He's getting faster

He's getting closer

One step 

Two steps

I should quicken my pace

One step 

Two steps

I should run

Run

Faster

Faster

Run

Faster

Am I safe

Did I lose him

I don't know

I'm Not Afraid of Sex, I'm Afraid of Rape

I was terrified when they told me that

I was surprised to see their face painted with such intense concern 

and to hear the fear behind their voice

I was afraid when they told me I thought he was going to rape you

I was not afraid of sex

I was afraid of the idea that someone could force me to do something

I was afraid of the idea of being so powerless

I was afraid that I knew that I was not strong enough to protect myself if something happened

I was afraid knowing that if something did happen all I could do was pray that someone would save me 

I was afraid of the idea that if push came to shove I could not save myself

I was terrified

I know I am weak and that is scary

I was afraid knowing that I was the only one who had no clue that this might happen

I was the only one who didn't see the kind of person everyone else saw

I was the only one so naive

I was afraid of the fact that they thought this might happen to me

I was scared that they only told me this after everything

and that they didn't tell me beforehand

I was terrified

I am afraid of the idea of being raped

I have never been raped and yet I fear it in my daily life

I live with this fear

I am terrified

The Situation

The way they walk into the space

The way they look around

The way they look at art

The way they stop and look at you

The way they stare 

The way they look at you with that glossy look in their eyes 

The way they allow their eyes to graze up and down your body 

The way they lock their eyes onto your chest

The way they smirk like they will own you in just a little while

The way their breath gets heavy

The way they see past you and through you

The way they try to touch you

The way they try to hug you

The way they try to kiss your hand

The way they try to kiss your cheek

The way they try to smell your hair

The way they don't want you to say a thing

The way they want you to just look beautiful

The way they speak at you

The way they try to sound educated even when they know nothing about the subject

The way they spit as they speak

The way they stand inching closer and closer 

The way they don't know you and yet they lust for you

The way they talk about you

The way they act like you're just eye candy

The way they circle you like vultures

The way they try to hand you alcohol

The way they say you'll like it because it's fruity 

The way their breath reeks

The way they talk about their job

The way they talk about their home

The way they ask if you think they look that old

The way they try to convince you

The way they say you should hang out with them

The way the act like they are so superior to you

Yes that's the way things are sometimes

And yes you feel scared and worthless sometimes

And yes you will be told you're being over dramatic sometimes

And yes that is the way it is sometimes

Even if you were only an eighteen year old girl going to an art gallery

I Am Not Your Madame Butterfly, I Am So Much More Than The Stereotype of an Asian Woman

Hey pretty geisha 

Can you say konichiwa

You can call me senpai 

I could be your oppa

Hey little oriental 

Can you cook Chinese food

Can you cook for me

Hey so are you Japanese

Hey so are you Cambodian

Hey so are you Korean

Hey so are you Chinese

I can do karate 

I watch anime

Can you cosplay

You're so kawaii​

Is it sideways

Do you want to fuck me

Hey China sticks

I heard Chinese woman have cash registers for souls

I have money

I could pay

After all Asian women have the tightest pussy

You're so submissive

You could take care of me

You want someone dominant that could be me

Hey China doll

You're so pretty

All Asian women look the same

You're all so skinny

You never age

You're so perfect

You're​ not like white woman

You're so quiet 

Don't become corrupted 

Stay submissive

I like Asian woman

Asians are the best

You're pussy so tight

Call me senpai

That Should Have Been A Clue Sometimes People Aren't As They Seem

He stopped me in the street

He told me he liked my art

He told me about his interns that go to my school

He told me about the work he did at the Art Institute and MCA

He seemed trustworthy

He invited me to the symphony

He kept on saying how we were young

He kept saying how he's a young guy here

He was in his fifties

He told me about his friend's daughter who was around my age

He told me how we were so different

He told me how I was mature

That should have been a clue

He told me about his son

He told me about his asian ex wife

He told me about his Japanese ex girlfriend

That should have been a clue

He told me about some blonde who wanted to date him

He told me he wasn't into blondes

He told me how he was a bit of a womanizer 

That should have been a clue

He took me to dinner 

He encouraged me to talk about myself

He tried to buy me alcohol

That should have been a clue

He asked about my family

He grabbed my hand when I said my father passed away

He tried to comfort me

That should have been a clue

He walked me back to the dorm 

He kissed me on the cheek

He was in his fifties 

I thought I was networking

I thought someone was interested in my art 

I thought for once someone wanted me as an artist

I thought for once someone was interested in more than just my body 

I was wrong

I'm so stupid

I can't trust 

I guess I was naive 

I thought it was going to be okay because he had interns my age

I thought it was going to be okay to spend time and talk

I thought it was going to be okay

I thought it was going to be different

I didn't realize 

I saw him again when I said I wasn't interested 

I thought it was going to be okay

I saw him again in the museum

That wasn't okay

He got upset Because I didn't care about his fence 

He got upset Because I didn't look him in the eyes so longingly when I left

He got so upset Because he wanted to feel I cared about him to 

He got so petty

He got so possessive 

He got so problematic 

I found out his type and I was like shit....

Asians 

You Told Me I Could Only Be Pretty

I'm too​ pretty to be smart

I'm too​ pretty to have dreams

I'm too pretty to want to have an education

I'm too pretty to be an artist

I'm too pretty to have thoughts

I'm too pretty to want anything

Right

Because I'm too pretty to just be an artist

Because I'm too pretty to just be me

I must be something else

Right

I must be a girlfriend

I must be a wife

I must be a stripper

I must be a prostitute

I must be something else

I must be something that pleases you

Right

Because I'm pretty that gives me value

Because I'm pretty that makes me valueless 

Because I'm pretty I can't be anything else

Because I'm pretty

Too pretty to just be an artist

I must be something else

I must be something that pleases you

I must be something sexual

I must be something more than just an artist

Because I am a girl

I must be something else

Fat

I was only around a 100 pounds when I was asked if I was pregnant and then told I must have just gained weight when my answer was no

I was not fat

I've never been fat and yet

Here I am grabbing at my non existent love handles​ 

Here I am deciding not to wear that dress because I'm too bloated today

Here I am wishing I weighed a few pounds less

Here I am

Here I am looking at my ugly body in the mirror

Wishing I could change it ever so slightly

Wishing I was thinner

Wishing that my body looked pretty

Here I am wishing

And yet 

I am not fat

I am not ugly

My body's perfect

So why do I hate and love this ugly body of mine

Well.....

Because you taught me to

Wallflower 

Were they right

Am I a wallflower that only sometimes pops out

Always nothing

Always no one

Always simple

Always plain

Were they right

Will no one sit with me do I have to sit with them

Always boring

Always a prude

Always spineless

Always invisible

Were they right

Am I  just a simple girl not the kind of girl that attracts people

Just a simple girl

Not enough

Never enough

Do I blend into the scenery

Because I'm not enough

Never enough

Were they right

Are they right

I don't know

I don't know

Am I no one

No one special

Am I a wallflower

Simple​ and boring

Were they right

Am I a wallflower

That only sometimes pops out

Virgin

Sexy fetish

I am a fetish 

Fuck you're a virgin

That's hot

I wonder how tight you are

I want to find out

I wonder how tight you are

I want to find out

I wonder how good you could stroke me

I wonder how good you could suck me

Fuck you're hot

I want to come all over you

I want to squeeze your boobs 

I want to know if your pussys is tight 

I want to know how wet you would get

Fuck you're hot 

You have a nice body

Just looking at you I know you'd be good

Fuck you're so hot

I wish you would come ride me

I wish you would suck me

I wish you would kiss me

I wish you would scream

I wish you would moan 

I wish I was inside you 

Fuck I'm so horny

Fuck you're so hot

What have you done

What would you be willing to do 

What are your kinks

Fuck I can't believe

You're a virgin

That's so fucking hot

I wonder how tight you are

I bet your cherry would pop

Oh fuck 

I want to fuck you so badly

You know I'm on the bigger side 

So you wouldn't be disappointed

You know I could make you orgasm so much

So you wouldn't be disappointed

Fuck you're so hot

I want you so fucking bad

Fuck you're a virgin

Fuck that's hot

Virgins are so hot

If I slept with you then I'd be the only cock to have ever been inside you

Fuck that's hot

You're probably so tight

I bet your cherry would pop

Fuck you're a virgin 

that's fucking hot

 I Am Worthless, Yes I know

I am worthless

Yes I know

I am told how worthless I am 

If I don't give you sex than I am worthless

If I am not pretty than I am worthless

If I am not smart than I am worthless

If I do not love you than I am worthless

Yes I know

I know I am worthless

You tell me I am worthless whether you know me or not 

But I much rather be worthless than worth something to someone like you

Yes I know 

I am worthless

You always thought I was worthless 

You just never said anything until now

You just didn't say anything because I didn't turn you down before now

But you always thought it even when you said I was pretty

You always thought I was worthless that I know

Because you tell me I am worthless

I know I am

I am worthless

You tell me one day I'll be ugly too

You tell me that you'll always have a better education and more meaningful accomplishments than me

You tell me I won't have value to anyone

You tell me I am a cunt

Yes I am worthless

Yes I know

I know I am worthless because you tell me I am worthless

Asking For It

Hey China sticks

Hey sexy thing

As you look me up and down

It's not my fault

People say you're​ asking for it

You're asking for it if you wear a dress that shows your legs and your chest 

You're asking for it if you're​ wearing jeans and a t-shirt

No matter what you wear you're asking for it

I'm being dramatic when I tell you the stories

It's not my fault

I wasn't asking for it

It's not my fault

I didn't want the attention

I didn't want the stranger to grab my hand as I was walking to the train 

I didn't want the man to stick his tongue out at me moving it referring to oral 

I didn't ask for that 

It's not my fault

I wasn't asking for it

I didn't ask to be born this way

I didn't ask to look this way 

So why

Why does looking this way mean I'm asking for it

Why does looking this way make some people think it's okay

Why do some people think this is okay

Why

Because your mother didn't ask for it

Your sister didn't ask for it

Your cousin didn't ask for it

Your lover didn't ask for it 

It's not their fault

It's not my fault

We didn't ask to be hollered at

We didn't ask to be catcalled 

No it's not funny

No it's not a cat calling meow hahaha

No it's not a joke

It's scary when people get aggressive

It's scary when they follow you 

It's sad when you have to leave the water park because your friends got so uncomfortable when those fathers were staring at you

When people tell you 

you can't walk by yourself

You can't do this 

You can't do that 

Because it's dangerous

Because simply by walking

Simply by breathing

You're asking for it

Size: W 6in by H 10in

Materials: Velum, Glue, Marker, Pen, Pencil, Soft Pastel, Color Pencil, Dried Flowers, Bandages,Hair, Gum ,Plastic, Gesso, Chinese Envolopes, Rice and Newspaper

2017